Memo
To: The Things That Live In My
House
Subject: The Maid Is Dead
My dearest "Things That Live In My House";
Summer is here and it brings you “Things” home on a full time basis. I regret to
inform you that, yes indeed, our beloved, yet invisible maid has passed on to greater
and better rewards. The Good Lord has called her home and this has a deep and direct
effect on all of you.
How, you may ask? Let me count the ways:
1. The Trash. There is a limited capacity in the trash container in the
kitchen. I know that since all of you are in school and may have studied science,
you may have stumbled upon the theory called displacement. What this essentially
means is you can't shove 20 pounds of crap into a five pound bag. You see, when
you get to the point where things begin to fall out of the trash container, it is
time to remove the liner from the container.
This brings me to Rule #1: Empty
the Trash.
The trash bag is an amazing thing, but one must lift it out of the barrel
to realize its truly remarkable intrinsic value. From there, it can be tied
closed and duly transported to the big round gray things you see in the rear
of
the house. Those are called trash barrels. Simply place the trash bag into
the trash barrel.
2. The Dishes. The dishes you use to eat the food that you consume post-midnight.
I realize that sometimes your mother and I go to bed well before you do, but one
of us inevitably wakes up before you all do. And, to find a sink full of, well,
less than clean dishes along with a dishwasher that's less than full capacity is
indeed disheartening. Now, I realize that you all truly didn't mean to leave that
disarray for us to clean up, so I give you all the benefit of the doubt.
But, just to be clear, Rule #2 is: All dirty dishes must be cleaned and put into the dishwasher.
The dishwasher is another remarkable convenience
for today's modern family on the go. But, one must put dishes and cups in to be
washed in order to utilize this great invention of convenience. But, there are times;
I regret to inform you, that there are clean dishes in there that must be unloaded.
Which brings me to Rule 2a: Empty the clean dishes from the dishwasher.
And yes, there is a Rule 2b: Put the clean stuff away.
This was unfortunately, one of the invisible
maid's duties.
3. The Bathroom. Good Lord, where do I start? OK, the bathroom sink: When you brush your
teeth (and you must be commended for good dental hygiene after all that money we
invested on all of you for braces)
Please, for the love of all Rule #3: Do not spit all over the entire sink
and faucet assembly.
Or at least, if you cannot control the direction
of the discharge, please find some way to remove the offending stains from the sink.
We can't tell you how demoralizing it is to go into the bathroom and find the entire
sink area speckled with white "post brushing by-product".
As you might say "eeewwww."
The shower is also of particular interest. As
you know, there is a slight leak in the shower head in the bathroom upstairs; one
simply must turn the valve all the way to the right to make sure the drip is minimized.
So that means the Niagara Falls affect created post shower is an indicator that
the valve is not closed all the way.
Rule 3a: Close
the valve tight in the shower.
4. The
Computer Room. Ah yes, the place where My Space and AIM rule. Where young burgeoning minds
work their magical imaginations to the fullest. And, where you guys leave everything
imaginable to rot and fester everywhere. I'll keep this one simple: I counted, there
are 11 steps from the stairs to the kitchen.
Rule #4: Transport
whatever it is you've consumed to the proper place.
This is where Rule #1 and Rule #2 work
beautifully in synchronization. You must use either (or both) the trash or the sink and dishwasher to follow up on this one.
In closing, I know you all do try your level
best to keep this house sparkly clean
just like on TV. But I hate to tell you, there are some "gaps" like those mentioned above that need a little tightening
up. So, please try to follow these
rules and even take the initiative to try some new things like picking up your clothes and putting them into the proper laundry bins in the basement. I
know, I know, this is an esoteric endeavor
and is only for those truly immersed in the AHP (Advanced Housekeeping Program), but little by little you can be
trained to participate.
Thank you,
Your loving parents.
PS: Bartering to actually do these things
(like you tried in the note you left us this last night) to stay home while we
go to the cottage is a little too late. These are the reasons we're making you come
with us. :-)
